I have never lived alone.
At 18, I left the house where I grew up and moved to an Opus Dei house until I was 25. Then, I crashed my brother’s apartment and stayed for almost five years until he got married. I moved back to my parents’ house for less than a year and then moved in with Vivi after our wedding.
Vivi and the kids left for Europe two weeks ago so this is the most that I’ve stayed alone.
What do I think about the experience? I… I somehow like it, but don’t know how long I could do this.
Here are the words that describe these two weeks: mild, mellow, gentle, bland, obviously not considering the amazing time I’ve had with Miguel, Chloe, Dani, Pia, Corey, Eddy, Manuel, and Taylor these days.
I’m referring to the time I’ve spent home alone working, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, washing, reading, watching, working out, writing.
I have peace of mind, yes, but I’m bored.
In 1980, an American psychologist who got his phD from UCLA and now teaches at Boston University published a paper where he introduced the affective circumplex, a tool that helps explain how we feel at any given time.
Russell proposed that emotional experiences can be organized in a circular structure defined by two core dimensions:
Valence (pleasure–displeasure)
Arousal (activation–deactivation)
Here’s the thing:
The work done by Marc Brackett at Yale, Lisa Feldman Barrett at Northeastern University and Brené Brown at the University of Houston starts at the affective circumplex but goes on to understand complex and social emotions that go beyond this primitive human reaction to the environment.
While living in a house with a partner, parents, kids, etc invariably leads to swings in valence—good moments, bad moments—and in arousal, living alone seems something very different. While those swings can seem too much to handle sometimes, especially in more emotionally dense households, the opposite of not having swings feels very weird.
Yes, I’m good: I’m getting enough sleep, I’m eating healthy, I’m working out, and I’m watching TV, but it feels very strange not having anyone to share all of this with.
I’m obviously biased by my experience, having in mind that Vivi, the kids and I left Monterrey six years ago and, including the pandemic phase, have spent A LOT OF TIME together with no extended family that help buffer emotions.
Still, if I had to choose, I’m not sure I would be able to be alone for, say, six months or a year. I feel that my days lack a scaffold—both mechanical (things to do, social routines) and emotional.
I notice it especially before going to bed. I suck at engaging in late night conversations with Vivi minutes before we sleep: by then I’m usually tired, groggy, and maybe moody.
I do have to say that it hasn’t been easy actually going to sleep. The routine of saying good night to my kids and feeling Vivi’s presence—or lack thereof—has messed up my sleep habits.
Anyway, I’m heading out to the Fifa Club World Cup game between Palmeiras and Chelsea at 9 PM at the Lincoln Financial Field. I don’t care about any of the teams but who says no to a last call $12 ticket.
See you tomorrow!
#day185